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Psychology
Emotional Blackmail Won’t Make Your Advice More Effective
Give with No Strings Attached
I used to have a relative whose gifts I dreaded receiving.
When she’d visit she’d scour the house first thing until she found whatever tchotchke she’d given us. She’d talk up her present, and if it wasn’t found in a place of pride, she would move it somewhere more prominent. It was terrifying and stressful.
This was not gift-giving — it was emotional blackmail wrapped in pretty paper.
That experience taught me to give with zero strings attached. My giftees can regift, return, or set my present on fire. It’s theirs now, and I don’t care. I will never ask about their present, look for it in their house, or brag about it. I know that if I need something back, be it validation, praise, or gratitude, the gift is ruined for them.
It’s not generosity if there’s a hidden agenda.
This also holds true for any advice I bestow, be it solicited or unsolicited. I may be right. I may be way more experienced. My giftees may become so much richer, wiser, and happier if they only listened to me. But it’s their life and they should live it as they see fit.
Letting go of how my “wisdom bombs” are received was a lot harder.
But advice also needs to be shared without strings. If I get mad/sad/hurt because they’re ignoring my counsel, I am not being generous. I am being a blackmailer, exchanging advice for feeling good, superior, or needed.
Both gifts and advice, when freely given, are better appreciated.
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